Silent Night

Last year, I celebrated Christmas in the hospital with pre-term labor and a 2 day hospital visit spending every minute praying and hoping little shock and awe would stay put just a few more days. They stayed put for another 25 days and this year I have these precious two gifts under my tree enjoying their very first Christmas. Sweet babies may you always know Christmas is a holy day, the day we celebrate the birth of the best gift ever given to the world. No gift anyone will buy you will ever compare to Jesus.

the mommy shift

There seems to be a bit of a misconception that life is a idyllic around here, a regular Norman Rockwell painting. Stop reading now if you want to continue thinking that!

Ok, I think they have left. This is what's real. There are a lot of super precious adorable moments around here these days. Tiny babies learning how to smile and preschoolers exploring the depths of their imaginations. We love it. It's a fleeting stage and we are embracing it. It's also messy, exhausting, and repetitive. This blog is supposed to be a place to showcase creative stuff but the most creative thing I have done lately is mix darks and lights in the laundry. Wildly creative! This a pretty typical 25 hours of solo mommy duty. Not terribly interesting ;) but some day I will be busy running 4 kids hither and yon need to be reminded of when I was an entirely different kind of busy.

5:05 Hubs heads out the door
5:08 Play a riveting game of hi ho cherry-io with Moo and Ella Bella
5:30 Nurse Awe
5:35 Shock wakes up screaming
5:36 Try to nurse Awe while giving bottle to Shock
5:38 2 screaming babies
5:39 let Awe scream, feed Shock
5:50 burp Shock put him down, nurse Awe
5:51 Shock screams in pain while Awe nurses, Burp him while feeding her
6:10 kick Awe off 6:12 make dinner for Moo and Ella Bella
6:25 dinner for Moo and Ella Bella
6:26 eat dinner on floor while holding Awe and talking to Shock
6:30 Awe in swing for nap
6:40 Shock in swing for nap
6:41 pump while getting Moo and Ella Bella in jammies, 4.5 ounces.
6:50 put in cartoon, more pumping
7:15 bottles for Shock in fridge
7:20 finish eating dinner
7:30 big kids brush teeth, story, bed
7:50 phew, rest
8:20 get bottles warmed up
8:30 feed Shock
8:45 Shock screams from gas pain
8:49 Shock pukes on me and him, new clothes all around stops screaming
8:53 quality time with Shock
8:59 Shock pukes again, another new outfit for him
9:04 Shock is swaddled and in bed
9:20 Ella Bella bashes Moo in the eye leading to both of them bawling
9:24 Force big kids to potty and then put them back to bed
9:38 Shock wakes up ???
9:40 burp lay back down
9:50 Shock fussing. Yay. Let him fuss it out.
9:58 Awe is up and she can SCREAM
10:03 Shock screaming. His arms attacked him
10:04 Awe gets a bottle
10:16 Awe finishes and is happy, Shock screaming again
10:22 all 4 in bed sweet quiet
10:25 pumping time, 6 oz
10:50 choke down 7 pills and climb into bed.
10:59 haha just kidding. Shock is up.
11:05 feed Shock
11:29 go to bed. Shock is wide awake so we'll see....
11:32 Shock crying from gas pain
11:34 Shock spitups on the floor and the sound of puke hitting the floor wakes Awe
11:38 still screaming gas drops to the rescue
11:45 still wide awake, I am going to bed.... Hoping they sleep till at least 2
11:47 move Shock to bouncy seat, Awe fully awake... drat
11:57 finally get Shock settled down, the second I get in bed the screaming begins. Arg.
1:46 Awe is up, feed her in bed where we both fall asleep.
4:03 feed Awe
4:21 Awe back to her crib
4:36 Shock awake
4:56 back to bed. Both babies wide awake... This probably won't go well
5:01 both are screaming. Yay!
5:03 give Shock a pacifier, put Awe back in bed with me feed her.
5:18 Seth fussing, awe still eating
5:21 realize Moo and Ella Bella's baby monitor is off, turn it on.
5:22 Ella Bella is singing. wonder how long she has been up. Oh well....
5:23 all is quiet, hoping everyone sleeps till 7:30
7:06 all four kids are up. Ouch. So. Little. Sleep.
7:15 bottle warming for Shock, feed Awe, big kids cartoons and cereal.
7:52 Shock has completely soaked through all his clothes and blankets. 3rd outfit today.
7:58 give Shock a bottle
7:59 Shock chokes on bottle and spits up oh his clean outfit. 4th outfit of the day...
8:08 babies are done eating now awake time.
8:09 pump while talking to Shock. Moo and Ella Bella play with Awe.
8:30 finish pumping and put Awe down for a nap, knowing she will scream! 3.5 oz
8:40 both babies down for a nap. Shock smiles when laid down, Awe screams. Typical.
8:45 must load dishwasher. Not a clean bottle left in the house.
9:05 dishwasher running, babies sleeping, big kids coloring. Shower time!
9:47 laundry laundry laundry
10:08 babies awake
10:15 Shock fell back asleep after removing his screaming sister from his bed, nurse Awe
10:44 protect Awe from over loving from Moo and Ella Bella
11:08 laundry with 2 crazy kids. Where are those grandparents???
11:30 Gran and Papa come!
11:40 feed Shock again, scream, burp, repeat
12:00 Gran made us lunch :)
12:34 Ella Bella pees on the floor, help her clean it up
1:10 feed Awe
1:11 let my parents entertain the kids ;)
2:30 feed Shock
2:38 Ella Bella down for nap
3:13 Gran and Papa leave
3:20 pump, bleck 12oz
4:02 finish pumping, I despise the black bag o torture
4:30 Moo and Ella Bella are up and hungry. Snacks, fighting, timeout, and playmobil!
5:34 Awe is up and ready to eat.
5:57 Shock wakes up
5:58 hubs aka super dad walks through the door! HOORAY!!!
6:00 make dinner and feed Shock.

time flies when you are perpetually feeding babies

Shock and Awe are six weeks old today. When I started this post they were 6 weeks old..

I feel a little sad about that. And also victorious. We survived six weeks of newborn twins! Gold star! Six weeks is a milestone. The babies are awake and alert and sucking in their world, no longer newborns. They each have their own little personalities quite distinct from each other. Awe the little social butterfly fixated on people. Shock is generally more mellow and easier to pacify. My body is largely healed although FOREVER changed. Bikini and me will never be friends again. I am no longer an OB patient and don't plan on ever being one again. The new baby stage is one we will now watch others go through and not be in. And I am excited about that! Never, ever thought I would be excited about baby gear leaving my house!

Shock and Awe have overall been an easier adjustment than I imagined. I geared myself up for long bouts of crying and sleeplessness. And it is that at times, but mostly it's just repetition. Feed one baby, burp, change, feed next baby, burp, change, play with baby a, play with baby b, coax baby a to nap, coax baby b to nap. Repeat, often with no downtime in between. They are pretty crummy nappers during the day but they sleep well at night. While we have been figuring out nursing, I have let them do there own thing during the day. If there has been one thing that has been much harder than I thought it would be nursing. It literally sucks. There is a lot of crying on every one's part. They cry to eat, I cry while they eat. I'll spare you the gory details but lets just say it's a repetitive use injury and 6 weeks in I am still chugging tylenol around the clock with tylenol 3 at night just to take the edge off. I am trying to hang in there a little longer and at least get them through RSV season.

I had my 6 week appointment with my OB yesterday. Mister Shock's crazy delivery is one my OB will never forget and I am sure never wants to repeat. At the very least, his experience and quick actions spared my son brain damage and at the very most saved his life. There just really aren't words for how grateful we are. God was certainly there in that room protecting little shock and guiding the doctor's hands. It was cool to show my OB that Shock is great! Normal! Healthy! since last time he saw him he was still in the NICU under oxygen and struggling.

the arrival of shock and awe

The little twins have arrived!

Tuesday January 18, 2011- 36w,2d

Around 4pm, I start having contractions every 5 minutes. Mild, but noticeable. The contractions stay really consistent and gradually get more painful. I have already been to labor and delivery 2 days before for a fierce headache and really, really don't want to go back unless this is it. I have a friend on standby to watch Moo and Ella Bella if needed and call my mom around 8:30pm to give her a heads up she may want to drive over now and not in the middle of the night. About 3 am and they are both consistent and painful, as painful as they were when I got epidurals with the other 2 kids. We head to L&D and get monitored. Definitely strong contractions but after 3 hours no change. Still 1-2cm and 50%, exactly what I was 3 weeks before when I was put on bed rest! So they offered me morphine, which I declined, and sent me home. I felt so dumb, surely I would know if it was real labor! I came home and had a bit of a breakdown wondering how I could go as many as 12 more days in this weird labor state before my OB would induce me. The contractions continue about every 5 minutes for the next 2 days until I go into my scheduled ob appointment. I get very little sleep and am just d-o-n-e.

Thursday January 20, 2011 - 36w,4d

My mom and I drop the kids off at a friends so she can go with me to my regular OB appointment. Hubs is on shift. My mom had never seen an ultrasound so I thought it would be cool for her to tag along. My appointment is for 10:45 but the office is really behind and we end up waiting for over an hour in an exam room. The contractions are still coming every 5 minutes just as they have been for days but this is the first time my mom notices how uncomfortable I am. My ob finally comes in around noon and does an ultrasound. Both babies are vertex again (yay!) and are estimated to be 7lbs, 4oz for little miss and 6lbs, 15oz for the little mister. I am scheduled for induction on January 31 but confess to my ob that emotionally I just can not hang out in this painful labor non labor state for 11 more days. He suggests we move induction up to the 24th. He offers to do an exam just to check how things are going but I am in NO mood to be dejected with a 1-2cm again. My mom pulls the "as your mom I would feel better if..." card so I very reluctantly agree. Now it is about 12:30pm. Let's get this over with.

ob: "Is your husband on shift today?"

me: "yeah, ya know either protecting the city from fire or playing video games."

ob: "hmmm. Well you are 6-7, well 7. "

me: "I so don't believe you."

ob: "Call your husband, I'll meet you in l&d in 10 minutes, they will have a room ready for you."

Well alrighty then. Try calling hubs. He picks up but it's just static. I figure he is on scene, but will get back to me in a minute. I leave a message and call the friend that is watching the kids. I try calling hubs 2 more times on the way to the hospital. We pull into the hospital parking lot and see a huge cloud of black smoke off to the west. I now know exactly where hubs is. In a burning building. FANTASTIC. Being the practical guy he is, hubs programmed fire dispatch into my phone so I could reach him on scene if needed.

I call dispatch and get the nicest dispatcher.

me: "I have a kinda unusual request. I am in labor and I need to get a hold of my husband. And it's twins! "

dispatch: "OOOOHHHH! Well let's get him! He is on the fire of his life right now but we will get him! Do we need him 5 minutes fast or a couple hours fast?"

me: "Maybe about 2 hours?"

dispatch: "We will get him! Don't worry!"

I think that was about 12:45pm. Things started moving really fast.

We go up to l&d and my nurses are waiting at the check-in desk for me and the room is completely ready. I tell them my husband will be coming in full firefighter get-up and they immediately pulled scrubs and shower stuff for him. They start giving me 3 copies of every paper to sign while they put in an iv and hook me up to all the monitors. Easily a half dozen people constantly in and out of the room. At this point, I am just worried about hubs being in a burning building and in shock that things are moving so fast.

Hubs walks into the room at 1pm in bunker gear, boots, and suspenders. Oh the nurses made a big fuss over him. From his perspective, this is what happened. They got called out to a massive apartment fire around noon (?) and the whole structure was consumed. They had gotten every one out and were protecting exposures and trying to control the fire. Hubs thought his phone may have rung but he hadn't heard in the chaos of a big fire scene. There were probably 30 plus firefighters on scene at this point.  Hubs was cutting apart a fence with a chainsaw when he got a call to go to command. He was perplexed because he wasn't that close to command and there were at least a dozen other firefighters of his same level closer. He got close to command and another firefighter did a cradling baby motion to tell him I was in labor. As luck would have it, an off duty fire captain was there in his personal vehicle and brought hubs to the hospital. I guess the request for Hubs had gone out over the city wide radio so he got lots of well wishes before even leaving the scene.

So Hubs got scurried off to the doctor’s lounge for a shower and scrubs. Soon he was back in the room and they were placing my epidural thinking my ob would be coming in to break the amniotic sac of baby a anytime. Well the epidural got placed and then everything came to a screeching halt. Not that I cared one bit now that I had drugs. My ob had delivered a baby next door and then gone back for office hours, and he would get to us later in the afternoon. So we had a nice calm break for an hour or 2 when we did nothing. It was glorious. My water never broke on it's own and my contractions had spaced way out, like 15-20minutes apart. Just before 4pm, I told them to call my ob.... now! I remember looking at the clock at 3:58pm and then my ob came into the room and broke baby a's water. At this point there were a dozen people in the room, including someone video recording for the hospital. I had the weirdest epidural, both my legs were completely numb but not umm, the other parts. I couldn't feel pain intensely but certainly knew exactly what was going on. They started me on pitocin at this point because with multiples there is a much greater risk of bleeding out. 2 or 3 contractions and 6 or 7 pushes and baby a, Miss Awe, was out! Pink and screaming. 4:03pm 6lbs, 5oz 19 inches.

Time for baby B, Mister Shock. With twins, baby b usually doesn't do as well because they have to go through the stress of labor twice. So the plan was to let baby b, who was also head down, come in his own time. Well screw that plan. Almost immediately after A was born, baby B stuck his hand out and waved to everyone. His hand and his umbilical cord. NOT GOOD. So my ever calm OB shoved his arm and cord back up and then everything got very intense. My ob proceeded to "go fishing" and rotate the little guy internally while several nurses helped push from the outside. It just so happened my OB found feet first so Mister Shock came out feet first. No one was really explaining what was going on so I was quite surprised to see little feet when I expected a head! It was very surreal. I wasn't worried, but knew he had to come out NOW. It was so weird to be pushing out another kid while baby a lay screaming next to me.  And to be doing the hardest part of pushing last. A few really intense back to back pushes and baby b was out. They laid him on my stomach and he was very pale and completely covered in vernix. My mom thought he was dead, but he was moving very slightly. Not very much and not crying but he was alive. He was put on oxygen immediately and slowly started to pink up. 4:08pm 6lbs, 6oz and 19.5inches. Welcome Mr. Shock!

Miss Awe needed oxygen for a few hours and then was fine. Little Mister Shock had a very rough entrance to the world. His lungs didn't get squeezed the right way during birth leaving him struggling to breathe deeply. He has little bruises on his legs from being pulled out. He is still in the nicu on 25% oxygen and trying to figure out how to breathe and eat. It's heartbreaking to see him there especially since he looks the picture of health. I can't wait to have them both in my arms keeping me up all hours! Hopefully soon! My recovery has been a little rougher than with the other too but still very manageable. I got pretty banged up from mister shock's delivery also. I spent so much time worrying and praying over their delivery and it was over SO FAST. Ideally, I would have loved it to be kinder to my little shock, but I think he probably would have had lung and immaturity issues regardless.

bedrest: day 5

33w6d

We made it to 2011! Woohoo! The goal the entire pregnancy has been for 2011 babies :) I was so excited to have it be a new year this morning. Every extra day is just that much better for their lungs and immune systems.

Sitting around doing nothing ALL day is surprisingly hard. I know, cry me a river... you would love to have an entire day to lounge around and just sit on the couch. I am so, so thankful bedrest seems to be doing it's job and mister shock and miss awe are fine and growing. We would still LOVE to avoid the nicu for our little twinks. I have been pretty good about staying on the couch and bed with the exception of 2 trips downstairs and getting maternity photos done yesterday afternoon. Even that was sitting down driving from location to location most of the time. My husband, mom, and friends have been so generous with their time to take care of Moo and Ella Bella and clean, cook, and run errands. It drives me a little nuts, I feel completely fine! I want to be mom to my kids and do all the little nesting projects around the house. I am embracing that things just won't be perfect when shock and awe arrive and that is ok. I doubt they will care about coordinating crib skirts anyways. ;)

july 13 2010

July 13, 2010

Today will forever be in my memory vividly.

I am nervous. I had a positive pregnancy test about 5 weeks ago but things just seem off from my pregnancies with Moo and Ella Bella. I feel mostly fine other than battling a nasty cold for the last month. No morning, noon, or night sickness like with the other kids. No bleeding. No well.... anything. Virtually symptomless. Today my ob appt has finally arrived.

My ob teases me about getting "fixed" after this one. I reply the debate is still ongoing whether we want 3 children or 4. We laugh and catch up. The nurse comes in and has me fill out all the obligatory forms. She patiently tries to find a heartbeat with the doppler, scanning back and forth. I lay there staring at the ceiling and ponder the black fingerprints on the fluorescent lights. The nurse can't find a heartbeat. I know not to worry, I am at most 9 weeks and it's so early. I can't help but thinking it was a chemical pregnancy. Been there done that. It is what it is.

My ob comes in and says eh, the ultrasound machine is right here, let's do this. So he starts the ultrasound and a tiny little alien fetus is visible with a teensy heart fluttering away. Ah, relief.

Ob: "Only one, looks great, exactly 9 weeks."

me: "Oh good. I have been having lots of crazy dreams about twins."

A few seconds pass as my OB scans around checking things out. I glance over at the nurse. Her eyes have gotten very big and she lightly gasps. She whispers "Oh my gosh." I turn back to the monitor.

OB: "There is another one. There are two!"

There on the screen are two little babies, mirror images of eachother, filling the screen. IN ME!!!




It was a moment. Overwhelming. Awed. Scary. Amazing. Impossible. WOW.

me: "My husband is definitely going to need a picture of that!"

OB: "Well, I guess your debate is settled!"

More scanning. Still ONLY 2. Phew. Both measuring exactly 9 weeks with strong heartbeats. 2 sacks, probably fraternal (not identical). WOW. It's just astounding. No one in either of our families has twins as far back as anyone can remember. I am shaking, a little from cold, and a little from shock. Having kids has not been easy for us and now, twins? When we least expected it? God, your blessings are abundant!

My OB and I chat about how things will be different than a single pregnancy. I am thankful for a calm doctor with lots of experience. He gives me details, I love details. How delivery might go, what complications might come up, ect. I am sure I will have many more questions.

I continue to shake off and on for the next 3o minutes through all my labs. I am so amazed the lab tech got all 6 vials of blood needed while I shook. She deserves a raise!

ACT 2

I had told a friend I would come by to get some of her homemade laundry detergent after I finished at the doctor. I debated bailing and just going home to tell Hubs but knew I needed to calm down first. So I go into M's house and ol eagle eyes immediately questions the neon armband.

M: "did you just give blood?"

me: "umm yeah."

M: "oh that's so nice of you!"

me: "oh wait, no not like that......"

M: " Are you preggers?"

me: "yes. and completely freaking out."

I dig around in my purse and thrust the strip of ultrasound photos at her.

me: "check out that last photo."

M: "OH HOLY CRAP! TWINS!"

me: " yes, can I please use your restroom and can you please get me a nice cold drink? I would say alcholic but that would be a bad idea."

I am so thankful for M's enthusiasm and encouragement. If anyone can handle 4 under 5, you can. You will rock it. Twins will be awesome. God knows what he is doing. And on and on. She was the perfect first person to tell. I even forgot to pay for my soap (duh!). But it wasn't really about the soap. God knew I would need her wisdom and excitement. I settle down and M and I catch up.

ACT 3

On to tell Hubs. How?

I come in and he is corralling kids and making lunch. Moo starts talking a mile a minute about hiking that morning and Ella bella is climbing all over me. I give him the photos and just wait. He is a little perplexed why I got so many photos of the same thing. And then he sees the last photo. I hold up 2 fingers and nod yes. Two. Plus two, yeah four. Math geniuses here. He is in disbelief honestly thinking the OB performed some photoshop magic to freak him out. And then it hits him, there is no prank going on, THIS is real. We somehow managed to pull of the completely random feat of twins. No fertility drugs. Just, well, there.

Hubs: "Wow. Really? Wow. How? Are you sure? What?"

He went into shock for a few minutes not nearly to the extent I did though. Eh, he lacks all the crazy hormones. It's just amazing, overwhelming, wow.

ACT 4

People's reactions are hysterical. It is just so unexpected.

My Mom just blinked and double checked the double photo and in disbelief asked if they were mine. Indeed they are. Then just shock. My mom told my dad, I actually really don't enjoy telling people I am pregnant, my dad was surprised and thought life would get interesting around our house.

My sister said "Holy crapola! Can I tell Sarah (her sister in law)?" Sure knock yourself out. My sis also implied we should ahem you know take care of things to not have more. Totally going to sister!

My friend R squealed so loud Hubs could here her over the phone across the room. She loves Moo and Ella Bella and was thrilled we would have 2 more.

My friend L cried, happy, surprised tears. She was just so excited and thankful to God for multiple blessings. Multiple "blessings" are still kinda freaking me out. I hope I can convince her to come back to visit the itty bitties.

Intuition

I have kinda had this inkling it could be twins since the test turned positive. No explanation why, just like I needed to psych myself up for the possibility of 2. My google browser is full of various twin inquiries over the past month. I always have thought I would have boy/girl twins at some point. No idea if that part is true, and we don't know if we will find out.